Before we get into any of the nitty gritty, remember any sort of sexual activity needs to be consensual. Especially when you’re trying something new with your partner. Communication is key: talk to them about what you want and what they want. Do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable exploring new territory, for example, setting boundaries and safe words.
Intriguing. I remember thinking that when I first saw a pair of fluffy hand cuffs entering my bedroom. A guy brought them in. I was impressed that he had the guts, and also a bit concerned. Did this mean he was going to be super controlling? Did I want to be that submissive? And would I be stuck to the bedposts forever if he lost the key?
As I moved on to other guys, restraints, and whips, I discovered that those fluffy handcuffs were just the tip of the iceberg. I also explored more power exchange dynamics and learned that being into it doesn’t mean that you – or your partner – is a control freak, and that being submissive can actually be a huge turn on!
What is power exchange play?
Power exchange is exactly what it sounds like – an exchange of power, or if you prefer, an exchange of responsibility. This means you have one partner holding the power – or responsibility – typically called the ‘Dominant’, ‘Dom’ or ‘Top’, and one partner surrendering the power – or giving up responsibility – typically called the ‘Submissive’, ‘Sub’, or ‘Bottom’. Power exchange play empowers the dominant partner to have the submissive under their control, and allows the submissive to enjoy a sensual – and often sexual – experience free from having to make decisions about what happens next. Power exchange play is fully consensual and should be fully negotiated before starting play. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to the level of responsibility assumed by the dominant.
Bondage and Discipline, two other aspects of BDSM play, are also about the exchange of power and control. Bondage involves restraining your partner in some way. Discipline involves punishing your partner – or being punished – for transgressions. The experience of being disciplined creates a feeling of vulnerability that can be very arousing or soothing. Conversely, the disciplinarian can be turned on by holding power and having a partner at their mercy.
Besides those fluffy handcuffs, there are many methods and devices to demonstrate power over your partner, from neckties to spreader bars, and straight jackets. Blindfolds and gags, inhibit other senses than touch, and at the more extreme end, some people wrap their partners in plastic film or bondage tape to prevent movement.
Dominant and Submissive Relationships
Dom/Sub relationships are based on a hierarchy where the submissive obeys the dominant’s authority and commands. Exactly what the dominant can demand is mutually agreed upon by the participants beforehand – something not always seen in media! A submissive may be ordered to give their master a blow job, or call them master or mistress. It can be just for a session of sexually activity, or carried into everyday life. Conversely, a dominant is also a nurturer and a guide. The best dominants guide their submissive on a journey of pleasure, sometimes pain, and sexual experience, within the boundaries that are established in advance.
Being a dominant is about taking on a huge responsibility and mental burden. It is an incredible act of service, by enabling the submissive to be free and simply experience the play session. The dominant leads, directs and takes charge of their submissive. They may consensually administer pain or humiliation to their partner, according to what has been agreed upon, while checking in regularly to make sure the submissive is ok.
For a submissive, being able to trust your dominant is incredibly important. Knowing that your dominant will take on the burden of decision making while keeping your pleasure at the centre of the play experience is one of the things that makes submission so appealing. You also need to know that you’re safe – that the play session will stop if/when the you need or want it to, without question. This is the cornerstone of power exchange play, and any dominant who isn’t able to provide these basics isn’t worthy of the title, and is probably unsafe to play with.
You may be wondering at this point who has the real control in a dominant/submissive relationship, and if you’re now thinking it’s the submissive – you’d be right. Submissives have more control than most people think at first glance. They are the boundary-setters in any power exchange play scene. For many submissives, it can feel freeing to hand control over to someone else. For both partners, engaging in a little kink is a break from the norm of everyday sex and a lot of fun.
Power exchange red flags
A lot of people don’t understand power exchange, and there are selfish individuals out there who call themselves dominants and seek out victims for non-consensual fantasies. This is assault and abuse. Below are some power exchange red flags would-be submissives should keep in mind when looking for a prospective partner. They are very similar to the red flags in any abusive relationship, but we think they bear repeating. Leave – or don’t get involved if:
- Their fantasies involve you not having a way out of a scene – or a relationship
- They discourage you from having a healthy network of friends and family
- You are expected to not have a voice within the relationship
- They try to extend their dominance of you outside of agreed boundaries
- A scene of any sort continues after a safe word is used
- They violate boundaries you have set during play or in the context of your relationship
- They are jealous, possessive and/or quick to anger
- You are fearful or afraid to speak to them in case you anger them
- Your feelings and needs are dismissed as unimportant
- You are expected to surrender all control of your finances – yes FinDom is a thing, but that’s a very specific kink and not one covered here.
- They are cruel to animals
- They have a substance or alcohol abuse problem
I’m interested, now what?
Power Exchange BDSM play can be anything you want it to be inside of the boundaries you agree upon and set with your partner. So make your own rules and walk your own path. And if you decide it’s not for you, that’s okay too. At least now you know and you can try something else next time. There’s no shame in not being into being dominant. Or submissive.
Go as far as you want to, with either a full time or casual partner. It really is your choice. And intercourse isn’t even necessary to explore the world of Power Exchange BDSM play. You can be a voyeur, watch a video, or masturbate while reading erotic fiction on the topic. It’s really up to you.
As always, pay good heed to cleaning up after yourself. Make sure toys are cleaned up for use next time, your body is anointed and repaired in whatever way it needs to be, and that you are always playing safe. As long as you’re being safe, sane an consensual, things can only get better as you find out what makes you tick.
Remember- if it feels good, do it!