Men and penis owners, listen up. If you find yourself apologising for not lasting long enough during sex, you may want to stick around. The experience of “not lasting long enough” doesn’t mean you have premature ejaculation issues, but it can be a central aspect of the sexual issue. Either way, if you want to learn about how to delay gratification and extend the really good feeling leading up to an orgasm, this article is for you.
To better understand how your body works in achieving an orgasm check out my last post: Premature Ejaculation: How do I last longer in bed? This will also give you some practical tips to help you last longer during sex. Here, we’ll dive deeper into edging techniques you can use solo – and eventually with your lover.
The mind-body connection
You need to understand the power of the mind, and the role it plays within your body’s ability to delay ejaculation. When you believe to be faced with a threat, whether it’s real or imagined, your sympathetic nervous system becomes activated. This is the fight or flight response and during this process the blood will flow to larger muscles, brain and heart. You guessed it, this means a lack of blood flow to the penis which can result in coming too soon.
Without realising it, your mind has perceived a threat which may be “I am not a good lover, and my partner isn’t enjoying themselves”. This perceived threat places your self-esteem in danger which leads to the body reacting how it has learned to protect itself; rushing through the act of sex to eliminate the perceived threat. Over time, this becomes a learned behaviour and the thoughts become so deeply etched that you really believe them. Neither of which are helping the situation.
From ‘fight or flight’ to ‘feed and breed’
One simple strategy is learning how to drop into your parasympathetic nervous system. This system is all about rest and digest, also known as feed and breed. When we are in our parasympathetic nervous system, we are feeling relaxed and the blood is flowing throughout the body, including the penis.
Focusing on your breathe for a few minutes will help you to drop into this sense of calm and decompress. I am talking those big belly breaths like they do in mediation and yoga classes. If you don’t know what I am talking about, place one hand on your lower belly and one on your chest. As you inhale, start with the belly expanding and imagine the breath moving up your torso, pulling your ribcage apart, and then up into your chest and notice is rise a little. This inhale should take you about five seconds. For an exhale, you will also take five seconds to feel your chest fall, ribcage draw back together, and the belly soften. You can eventually close the eyes and repeat for a few cycles or even a few minutes.
Once you are comfortable and aware of how to reduce anxious feelings and increase a sense of relaxation in the mind and body, you’re ready to move on to edging.
Edging techniques
Trying different masturbation techniques helps you orgasm in ways your mind and body aren’t used to. With edging, you’ll learn how to prolong your own pleasure. This in turn helps you increase your partner’s pleasure when you’re with them. So everyone wins.
Firstly, it is important you set healthy expectations of ourselves and our partners. You aren’t expected to jerk off or have sex for an hour. When people say they enjoy having a lot of sex, or sex that lasts for a long time, they fail to mention that it isn’t an hour of continuous penetration. People can also spend time making out, massaging each other, mutual masturbation, impact play, toilet and water breaks, pillow talk, and aftercare.
Being able to identify your point of no return is key in lasting longer in the bedroom. The point of no return is that moment when everything feels so good that you let go and surrender to the orgasm and ejaculation. When edging, you must gather enough will power to stop yourself and let that urge subside. Then you keep going and ‘edge’ closer to orgasm. Then stop and repeat the process multiple times. The below strategies are two easy ways to help your mind and body get used to identifying your point of no return and prolonging it.
The Stop-Start edging technique
This one’s simple. When you are masturbating and feel close to coming, stop stimulating yourself until the urge passes. This means removing your hand from your penis and incorporating the breathing techniques discussed earlier to help connect the mind and body in this moment.
The Squeeze edging technique
Much like the Stop-Start edging technique, the Squeeze technique is about stopping stimulating your penis when you feel closing to ejaculating. Only rather than removing your hand you focus your attention to the tip of the penis by squeezing the head. I recommend holding the squeeze even up to a minute or two until that urge fades. When the urge to finish has passed, you may return to stimulating the penis and then return to squeezing when you are again feeling the point of no return.
Getting to the edge
For both techniques, it is best if you repeat the process three to five times before finishing the session with an orgasm and ejaculate. As you continue to practice these solo edging techniques up to three times a week, you will feel confident in identifying your ‘point of no return’. Over time, this point of no return should take longer to achieve than when you started practicing. This means you can experience more of that really good feeling and last longer in bed.
Taking edging into your relationship
When you feel confident about your point of no return you may wish to involve your partner in your edging – it can be fun for them too! This could look like your partner stimulating you with their hand or a sex toy that simulates penetration. Over time you will likely find yourself able to delay your ejaculation despite the additional distractions and stimulation.
You can also enjoy edging during penetrative sex too! You won’t necessarily need to use the masturbation techniques – although you can. While having sex with a partner, other options to delay ejaculation include slowing down, changing positions or focusing on your breathing to increase mind-body awareness.
There is no time like the present to start new habits to enhance your relationship with your body and sex life. Remember, your mind and body have learned this behaviour – which means you can unlearn it too!